Viability Day Nears - It's Not All Bad!

I can't believe it's been about four weeks since I last posted. Things have been moving along quite swimmingly. There was a little blip on the radar, with a short visit to triage in the Labor & Delivery department.. but all was well and I was sent home with no indication that I was anywhere near labor. (I'd had some cramping that was freaking me out.)

I can feel her moving daily now. There's not yet any pattern, but she's decidedly more active after dinner and until bedtime. Sleep has started to get more restless again, as I'm no longer comfortable on my back and wake each time I need to turn from one side to the other. No big deal, though.

Tuesday marks the 24-week mark, also known as 'Viability Day.' This means that any time I deliver after Tuesday, any hospital will make every effort to keep her alive. It's really just another day, as my goal is to exceed my last performance of 26 weeks, 3 days.. but it's still a small comfort to know that we have a chance at bringing her home after that fateful day. (Yes, yes, I'm 'sure it will all be fine' and all. Tell my anxiety that when it flares up, mmkay?)

Hunter's doing well, and his expanding vocabulary still surprises and amuses us. I think one of his daycare providers was actually getting a little annoyed at his repeating her every word.. despite the fact that he wasn't doing it to be irritating. :) Ha! He's getting much better at expressing to us what he wants, or when he's not pleased with whatever is going on at any given moment.

Oddly enough, with better communication seems to come more tantrums. You'd think it would have been the opposite, but I think the better understanding of what reactions certain things receive make him more manipulative (in his toddler way, of course.) There's a lot more fake crying, throwing himself to the ground in mock agony.. all to try to get hugs and snuggles. Sometimes he chooses rather inconvenient moments to do this, and we certainly don't scoop him up to encourage the fake emotions. And a disclaimer: he gets TONS of hugs and snuggles throughout the day/evening.

As for me, the next four weeks, I'm on a no-carrying-Hunter-upstairs restriction, and am to limit how much I pick him up in general. Not easy or fun, but the cramping has definitely lessened with following this direction.

Onward!

A peek into my dark and twisty mind

I'm not proud of what I'm about to share, but because I know there are other micro preemie moms and those who have lost an infant reading, I'm going to. Most of the time, I can keep my worried and anxious thoughts at bay. Learning that we are having a girl has made this pregnancy that much more real to me, and therefore.. that much more worried about possible unhappy endings.

I've bought her a couple of things. Tiny little sleepers and an adorable little dress with leggings. Despite Hunter being less than 2 pounds at birth, my brain has moved on from that scale, and I'm just as amazed and enamored with tiny newborn clothing as any other pending mama. No matter that Hunter would have fit into a leg of a newborn sleeper. :) I can no longer imagine having a baby that would fit into those tiny outfits (let alone smaller.)

Her room is waiting for her. We haven't yet decided what color to paint, but Chris put the second crib back together. He had taken it apart one day while I was at the NICU visiting Hunter, when I'd told him the night before that it made my heart hurt to walk into the nursery and see the two cribs waiting when we only had one son left. It's actually really nice to see it set up again, albeit by itself instead of in its intended pairing.

The two times I've purchased clothing for this new addition, I've kept the tags on, and left the items in the bag I bought them in. I put them in her crib, just like that. Here's where the dark and twisty part is. I can pass off my reasoning for leaving tags on, receipt ready, bags still intact, because what if she's born and is really a boy? One never knows, right? Har har.

That's not why.

I have a history. That history has brought me the most amazing child I could ever hope to have had the privilege of being a mother to. But it means that I know too much. I know too much about what it would mean to deliver early. I know medical terminology, I know half of the NICU nursing and physician staff, and I know how to get cheaper parking and affordable meals at the hospital.

Many women celebrate "V-Day," also known as Viability Day. This is the 24 week point, at which hospitals will make every effort to save a baby if he or she is born at this time. It's a relief to many women to know that as of that moment, they're that much more likely to bring a baby home. They don't often know or think of the reality of such a tiny baby.. it's just a relief to feel like you're past that milestone.

V Day has a very different meaning for me. I know what 26 weeks looks like. I'd rather see it in the rearview mirror. 26 weeks is NOT a celebration for me, it's a fear. 24 weeks? Even more so. I look forward to knowing that we have a chance at a take-home baby at 24 weeks.. but we lost Parker after two more weeks gestation time. There is no comfort for me in 24 weeks. I have dread and anxiety just waiting around for that time between 24-32 weeks or so, where many of the major preemie issues lie.

I will be grateful for every day past 26w3d that I get with this wee lady. Every moment. But that doesn't stop my fear of history repeating itself. That's the scenario I know. That's the birth story I know. My mental ties with pregnancy equal long, drawn out hospital stays and an urn full of ashes on my mantel. It's not dramatic, it's my reality. It just.. is. And as much as I hope and pray and wish for a new, brilliantly happy outcome, my brain continually reminds me of how things went last time.

So back to my tiny little pink outfits, sitting in bags. They're not still in the bags because she might end up surprising us and being a "he." They're not still in the bags because we might receive a bunch of other tiny little pink outfits, so I might want these items in bigger sizes. They're still in the bags because that way, I can easily return things if I come home empty handed. Once you've had a micro-preemie experience.. or once you've lost a baby.. or both.. I don't know if you can ever feel there is a point where you'll feel "safe."

Not until that baby girl is at home, in the crib, with the bags of clothes on the floor. Healthy. Full term. With dimples and little rolls of fat on her arms.

19 Week Pregnancy Update! It's A....

Well, people, I'm definitely starting to look pregnant. I had a checkup on Tuesday at 19 weeks, as well as our anatomy ultrasound. The good news is...



The GREAT news is that she looks healthy! I have to go back in two weeks for another ultrasound, as there were a couple views of her heart that we couldn't see due to her positioning. Nothing looked wrong, from what they COULD see.. but she had turned and wouldn't turn back, so they just simply couldn't view what they needed.

It's been so surreal finding out that we're having a daughter. I had thought early on it was a girl, but then decided that it didn't matter either way and became pretty unsure about what we were having. Chris maintained the entire time that it was a boy, and to be honest, I was fully prepared and expecting for the tech to tell us that it's a boy. When the tech said, 'GIRL'.. I was really, really shocked. And very, very happily surprised.

This was a win-win situation, really. We'd have LOVED having two little boys.. but this is amazing too. Different, but amazing.

So anyway, that's the big big news. :)

As for me.. we're not really feeling much of any movement yet, but I learned that I have an anterior placenta again. That will significantly dull how much I feel her movements for a few more weeks yet. I look more pregnant than fat this week, so I guess that's an.. improvement? I'm still under the weight I was when I got pregnant by five pounds or so, so that's good.

Yesterday and today, my lower abdomen has been feeling very.. tight. Clenched, almost. It doesn't come and go. It seems to be when I sit down after being active for a while, and that clenched feeling settles in. I'm not a fan, but it's not cramping and there's no spotting. In my worry, I asked several mama friends of mine who have reassured me that it sounds normal, but that I'm totally within my rights to call or go get checked. I went to bed last night hoping to feel less tightness this morning, and thankfully, it had loosened up slightly.

I wish pregnancy could just be easy and painless and all wonderful. Then when something felt uncomfortable, it would be obvious that something isn't right. I'm not complaining about being in discomfort.. I just wish it wouldn't screw with my mind. :)

17 week pregnancy update

I'm home with Hunter today (he has a fever but seems to be acting fine) so I thought I'd document how the pregnancy is going at this point. Many people have asked how I feel this time compared to last time, or when I started showing last time, when I felt the babies move, and I realized that I kept really crappy records. All with good intentions, likely, but crappy records nonetheless.

(I just went back and looked, and apparently my belly popped out at about 20 weeks, and I felt definite movement at 21 weeks. I had an anterior placenta with the twins, though, so that would delay feeling movement to later than usual.)

Anywho, I feel pretty good these days! The morning sickness seems to be long gone, I have my appetite back (yay/eek) and other than just being a bit more tired than my non-pregnant self, I can't complain. I DO have to watch how much I pick up my 30-ish pound kiddo, and just try to get down to his level more often to compensate. (Or make Chris carry him up the stairs. Ha!)

Baby's size: A large onion.

How Far Along? I was 17 weeks on Tuesday, so today is 17w3d.

Weight gain: Oh, this is fun. LOL I'm actually still below my pre-pregnancy weight, as I lost about 15 pounds between morning sickness/nausea and the stomach flu. So I've only gained about 5 of that back at this point. I'll take it.

How's sleep? Sleep this week is hit or miss. Last week, I had an AWESOME week of sleep. This week, we're back to waking up several times a night. Not to use the bathroom.. but either just random waking or because Chris is snoring. Either way, the snoring makes it harder to get BACK to sleep. I'm still most comfortable on my back when falling asleep.. I don't feel that sensation yet that told me my back-sleeping days are over. This is probably due to the fact that I was carrying twice the fetus around last time. :)

Maternity Clothes? I can still wear non-maternity pants, as long as they're not jeans. But I DO wear some maternity work pants and maternity jeans. My regular shirts are getting.. shorter, though. The selection of regular shirts I can wear is getting smaller.

Food cravings: I can definitely say that this pregnancy, I have cravings. They're usually quickly sated once I eat whatever it is, but lately the cravings have ranged from grilled cheese to rocky road ice cream. I still haven't had my rocky road, though, and it's driving me bonkers. It's on the grocery list tonight. I'm probably a little too excited about that.

Food aversions: As with cravings, these seem to be all over the place. I'm still not a huge fan of meat, but I'm not a big meat eater when I'm not pregnant. It doesn't bother me to see, for example, Chris eating a steak.. I just don't want any. I find that I have a general aversion to food in general until I find the thing that sounds really GOOD at that moment.

Symptoms I have: I'm tired, as expected. The iron supplements I take tend to cause some bowel stoppage, so that's fun but manageable. My skin WAS all pimply, but this week my face has cleared and my skin feels softer than usual. My hair seems to be growing faster, and is appearing both thicker and more limp at the same time.

Stretchmarks? None that weren't there before. :) I'm not really showing yet to the point where I look pregnant.. at this point, I still have the look like I've been overeating for a few months. It's hawt.

Appointments: My last appointment was last week, at 16 weeks. No ultrasound, just an office checkup. My blood pressure was pretty low, as usual.. 100/70 or 100/60 I think. The nurse used the doppler to listen to the baby's heartbeat, which was fun. No protein or sugar in my urine. All good. I also got the results of my first trimester screening back, which screens for Down Syndrome and a couple fatal genetic issues. The feedback I got was that my risk for having a baby with Down Syndrome at my age of 30 are 1:280, but with the blood work, that risk is reduced to 1:20,000. Good news all around. The next appointment is at 19 weeks, when we'll have the big anatomy ultrasound and find out what we're having. Yes, we're finding out.. neither of us wants to wait.

Movement: Nothing I can call definitive yet. I had some bubbly feelings the other evening after dinner, but I can't be sure that was the baby and not my digestion. I can't wait for it to start, but I'm patiently waiting (for once) since I know it didn't start for a few more weeks last time. I forgot to ask if I had an anterior placenta again, so until I know otherwise.. I wait.

Belly button" Still in, where it belongs. :)

Gender: We'll find out a week from Tuesday! I felt early on pretty strongly that it's a girl, but then started feeling more like I had no idea. Then Chris piped in to say he thinks it's another boy. So I don't know what to think, other than I oddly have no preference. I'm more concerned with going full term than with whether I can buy little dresses or not. :) Either way, this is likely our last kiddo.

Highlights of the week: Dinner out with my friend, after which we went to the maternity store and tried on a bunch of stuff with the fake bellies. (She's not pregnant and indulged me by trying on a maternity shirt with the belly. It was pretty amusing.)

What I'm looking forward to: Finding out what we're having, and going to bed tonight. It's my favorite time of day.. LOL

What I miss: Not much, from a pregnancy standpoint.

So that's it, folks! We'll see what next week brings.. I'm trying to take each day one at a time and appreciate that I'm still pregnant. :)

No one can predict the future

I have a new job. Today marked one month since I started. Same company, different location, longer commute. I now work 45 minutes from home, which equates to an hour in the morning when I factor in dropping off Hunter at daycare. The up side? I work a steady schedule, and am home by 5pm every night. I no longer have to stay late for clients, work Saturdays, or feel like I need to stay an extra hour or two to do checklists or return phone calls.

Well, I spent my entire morning commute in to work today planning how a potential NICU stay would have to be planned out if this baby comes early. The whole thing. Who I'd ask to come and hang out at our house several nights per week, so that Chris would be able to go to the unit and see the baby. I could still go during the day.. drop off Hunter at daycare and then go right to the hospital. (My commute is to an office that is a mere five minutes away from the NICU where we were/would be, so it's no surprise that the commute would bring up these thoughts.) I could come home, get dinner ready, have dinner with the family, put Hunter to bed, and once that day's help arrived to hang out while he slept, Chris and I would return to the NICU.

The idea of planning weekends was really throwing me when I realized how in depth I was thinking about this. It reminds me of back when Hunter was in the hospital, and the doctors would call a 'family meeting' in that little room, during which we would discuss his progress and prognosis. I'd come home, head reeling from all they'd said, trying to figure out if our house would be wheelchair-friendly (because he'd never walk) or what schools in the area would accommodate severe learning disabilities. Check Google for Cerebral Palsy. Find blogs of other kids like Hunter, and what their outcomes were, what they looked like.. if they looked normal in current blogs, had they looked 'strange' when they were younger? And on and on and on.

All of this from a doctor's suggestion of a 'possible' outcome.

And today's train of thought from the 'possibility' of another early birth.

I'm a planner. A thinker. A researcher. And more than any of those? I can find something to worry about, and planning helps me to cope with and organize those thoughts.

But now we have Hunter. Hunter reminds me on a daily basis that doctors don't know everything. The internet? It can be wrong, and very often is. He is his own story, just like this baby and this pregnancy will be its own story. (Sorry to the baby for referring to it as.. well.. it.) Hunter has given me perspective in more ways than I even know yet.

Every smile, every giggle, every new word reminds me that no matter how much I tried to plan our future.. Hunter has his own plan. No doctor can predict his future, even with a diagnosis, a syndrome, a shunt.. none of it.

And you know what? One of the biggest parts of having perspective that I appreciate the most?

I like Hunter's plan a LOT better than anything any doctor tried to 'prepare' us with. And that no matter what happens.. we'll adapt, and find ways to play, be happy, and be the family that I've grown to love so much. The same way we would have if things were worse, or if they become worse later.

Perspective. Better than any spreadsheet. Better than any Google results.

Hunter and His Motoring

Well, first, an adorable photo of my adorable Hunter.



That is the little ride-in car that Chris and I got for Hunter for Christmas from my parents. There is also a wagon, but we're not taking that out until it warms up a bit. The car is Hunter's favorite thing right now. When he wakes up, I'm changing his diaper, and he's asking, 'Car? Car? Car? Beep beep?' When he gets home from daycare.. first is the snack (of course..) but then, 'Car? Car?'

It's pretty damn cute.

I realized that I forgot to update on Hunter's motor skills in my last post. We're still doing regular physiotherapy, although between my morning sickness and Hunter being sick with fevers/colds, we missed a session here and there this fall. He's been making progress, though is not yet walking.

He crawls in a four point crawl (hands and knees) about 90% of the time now, as opposed to exclusively army crawling. He's also cruising along every piece of stable furniture he can find. He has been able to pull up on his own (with furniture or holding on to a person) but, until this weekend, wasn't able to get down by himself. As I'm sure you can imagine, this made for a bit of a safety hazard.. not so much at home but at daycare. There are 5 kids per adult in his classroom, and with him cruising around everywhere, there sort of has to be someone ready for when he wants to get down. However, his finally starting to lower himself to the ground this weekend has been a long-awaited milestone.

On the 19th, Hunter will be casted for orthotics. AFOs, to be exact, which will help support his feet and ankles. The main issue is that his ankles roll inward quite a bit when he weight-bears, and his right is quite a bit worse than his left. While getting these braces have been somewhat of a controversial decision, we think that the braces could be the bridge between crawling and walking. I think.. no, I KNOW Hunter could walk on his own in the near future, but lacks the support and confidence to get going.

What's the controversy? Well, the idea of waiting longer for braces is to give Hunter's own muscles a chance to get stronger as he makes more efforts to walk. Wearing the braces gives him the support instead of letting his muscles do so. However, if you saw the kid stand in bare feet.. we think letting him stand like that is doing more harm than good. In addition, we have also been told that they braces are thought to be a temporary measure: give him the support and confidence to get walking, and then wean them away until he's walking under his own muscle strength.

Thanks to the government of Canada, the cost of these braces is largely subsidized for those who medically need them. (By the way.. who would choose to purchase or wear them if they weren't?) Anyway, the cost to us out of pocket is going to be about $1000, between the braces and the orthotic shoes. I only share this to give other parents whose child may be facing a similar need know. The braces are typically updated about once a year, as the child grows.

Hunter will be casted for them on the 19th, and will get his custom braces in February. We'll then start having him wear them for short periods, easing the time upwards that he has to wear them. I'll post pictures of them (and Hunter wearing them!) once we get them. :) As much as I don't really like that he needs another type of device (other than his shunt).. we still want to give him every chance and advantage to make progress.

In pregnancy news, the cat is fully out of the bag at this point. I'll be 15 weeks on Tuesday. Other than a sinus cold (that's plugged up my ears) I feel pretty good. I've been feeling a lot of pinchy, stretchy.. not really 'cramp' feelings.. but friends have advised me that as long as there is no spotting (and there isn't!) that things are just growing in there.

I don't really remember anything from my pregnancy with Hunter and Parker except the end of it. Well, I remember having to crawl up the stairs for the last few weeks before delivery. And I recall getting a lot of pelvic/crotch pressure/pain after walking about 100 feet in the mall. But I thought that was normal for a pregnant chick. Apparently not (or not that early, at least.) And THAT is why I was a wee bit nervous about the pinchy not-crampy stuff I was feeling. Thanks to good friends, drinking more water, and taking an easy weekend, I feel much better about things.

And your reward for making it through all of that? Another Hunter photo, of course. :)

Merry Christmas, and may I introduce...

Yes, it's been a long time since I posted. Too long. But I had things that I wasn't ready to talk about yet.

Hunter turned 2 in November. We had his party at our house, and it was awesome. The kids kept each other entertained, everyone mingled, and we saw family and great friends. Hunter did great, and got some cool stuff!

He's getting SO big. He's about 28 pounds, and.. I can't remember how many inches tall. 50th percentile for both height and weight. He's had several haircuts (it looks like a bad toupee when it gets too long.)



His smile still melts my heart. He asks to give me hugs and kisses now. He's formed an attachment to a Paddington Bear stuffed animal that my mom sent him.. he calls it 'Baby' and NEEDS to hug and kiss it each night before going into his crib for sleep. When he gives hugs, he either rubs your back, or (more recently) pats it gently.

Hunter has also formed a friendship/bond with our dogs. He knows them by name, calls them in from the other room, and wants to pet them, hug them, and give them food he no longer wants. They lovingly tolerate all of these things, but especially love when he calls them to his high chair. The dogs are WELL aware that means they're getting food. It was cute at first.. but now we're trying to nip that in the bud.

Hunter is currently obsessed with, in no particular order, phones, doors, and the Christmas tree. He doesn't like to touch the tree though.. too prickly. He will open and close a door fifty times in a row if we had the patience for it.. and would gladly keep going. He's also enjoying remote controls, or anything with buttons, really.

He has quite a few words these days.. I'd say more than 50. He's just starting to use two word phrases.. 'Bye bye Daddy,' 'Hi Mama,' and.. I'm drawing a blank.

This year, he doesn't really 'get' Christmas yet. I know other 2 year olds who are excited about Santa, and presents.. not Hunter. Next year will likely be a lot more magical.

And now for the big reason I haven't posted.



I'm due July 4th, which my Canadian friends think is very American of me (like I chose it..) We're thrilled. There is only one baby this time, but I'm still being closely monitored by the same high risk clinic that saw me with Hunter and Parker. I'm about 12.5 weeks along.. so just easing into the second trimester. Essentially, this week, I will be halfway to the gestation I delivered the boys at. Eek.

So that's why I haven't posted. I didn't want to share here until family knew (and work.) And I didn't tell work until after my 12 week ultrasound.. but if I posted about anything, this would have come out. Not to mention, from week 5 to about week 10 I was feeling pretty damn miserable. And when I finally started feeling like me again, I got the flu. Blah. I got over it, then Chris got it.. he's over it now, but I have a cold. It never ends! :)

Yes, I'm already thinking about Christmas cards

Yes, I know that it's not even Halloween yet. But come on. It's snowing in New Jersey right now, and even though I'm up in Canada (with no snow yet, I might happily add) Christmas is on my mind.

We had a photo shoot last week with the AMAZINGLY talented Jill Promoli, and I've got to say, I cannot WAIT to get going on our Shutterfly Christmas cards. We used them last year, and we were SO SO happy with how they turned out. My entire family is at least 500-1000 miles away, and so despite my proclivity toward procrastination, I HAVE to send out photo Christmas cards.

Here are a few of the designs I'm liking this year. Their collection is ridiculously extensive, but I kept coming back to the same cards.







Now, for Christmas 2010, we didn't just do cards from Shutterfly. I also sent my parents desk calendars, with an awesome selection of Hunter photos. Of course, I had to order one for myself.. and they received theirs before mine came in the mail (Canada Post can be.. slow sometimes.) When they called to gush over it, I sort of brushed it off. I mean, it's just a calendar. You're welcome, no need to go goo-goo-ga-ga over it.

But then mine came in. And OMG. I was beyond impressed. It was not 'just a calendar.' I get more comments on that calendar each day at work than.. well.. anything else. So if you're in the market for an impressive family gift.. check out these desk calendars. You and those who receive them will love them, I promise.

And for those that have more patience than I, I'm told by a number of friends that Shutterfly has some pretty great quality photo books. Sorry, grandparents, you're not getting a photo book. :)

Once the cat's out of the bag (meaning, post-Christmas) I will post some of the pro shots. They are AMAZING.

It Won't Ever Go Away.

I was driving home from work on Friday, listening to the radio, admiring the leaves changing color. Fall is my favorite season, despite it meaning that winter is close on its heels. Then I realized what song was playing. It happened to be a song that was popular around.. November 2009. I know this, because it was a song that played almost daily on my twice-daily NICU trip, 45 minutes away from home.

People ask me all the time if I still think about that time, or if it bothers me. And of course, I think about it.. but more in a 'that was so long ago, and such a small slice of my life' sort of way. I take Hunter back to the hospital where he spent 17 weeks learning to breathe, eat and grow, and I'm fine with it. I've even been back to the hospital where I delivered now and then.. and despite it having more of an effect on me than where Hunter spent his NICU stay.. meh. No biggie.

But man, play me a song or two from that time, and I am completely immersed in the feelings and in memories of our life at that time.

I belong to a preemie message board, where the majority of members are like me.. they have a child (or children) who were premature, and who are toddlers or older by now. Now and then we get a new member. We have one now, as a matter of fact, and her daughter is in the NICU, fighting the good fight. She's asking questions about desats and bradys and blood transfusions.. and while I know we're the ones who can tell her best, who can reassure her and give her the best advice, the questions to ask the doctors.. at the same time? I just want to tell her that it's all normal, and that two years from now, she'll be watching her preemie do things she never dreamed to think possible back then.

But that a song can come on the radio and push her right back into that dogged exhaustion, fear, love and dedication.

Crazy, right?

The subject of having another baby comes up pretty often these days around here. Some people seem surprised that we would want to try again. They ask how closely I'll be monitored the next time. (yes.) Then they reassure me (themselves) that it's all going to be JUST FINE next time. That we'll have an uncomplicated, full term pregnancy and not have to go through that whole experience again.

And while I'd love to jump on board with that theory.. the other part of me rises up in fierce defense. I'm not broken. We did it once, we could do it again. Hunter IS perfect, even if not full term. Yes, we deserve it to go 'right' next time, but look what we got out of it last time.. how can I deny that amazing things come from messed up plans?

But then another song comes on the radio, and I'm back to rainbows and unicorns, pretty fall colors that keep me optimistic. We know more now. We know the signs. We know the process. It will all be okay. And if it's not? We'll all be okay anyway.

Want to see some dimples?

Who doesn't want some dimples in their life? I've got lots to update on, including my experience at the She's Connected Conference for Digital Women that I attended in Toronto. But until then, here are some totally adorable photos of Hunter. :)